This weekend has been a little rough.
However, It's getting better and I'm teaching myself how to go about standing up for myself. The right way.

I'm not an angry person. I just bottle everything up and when things finally push me off the edge...i expose everything. Ten fold.

I haven't known how to go about my negative feelings. I've pushed certain people away because of this. I've blamed them and all along it's been a lot of me. Me exploding.
Me not knowing how to get my point across. Me not knowing how to simply converse and just say how i feel. My problem is i don't give myself time to breath when things get to me. Time to think and make my thoughts make sense to anyone other than me.

We've been fighting about this ferret. I'm very allergic to her..I could almost get past that. However, i don't think she's the most suitable pet..i can't say I'm partial to her because it's even below that. She just shits everywhere and she stinks.
She's been making me so sick and i tried to get him to give her away. He wouldn't.
It just made me so angry and upset because this has happened before with my dad.
Dad and his then girlfriend (now wife) had a house and he kept the cats around even while i was so allergic. I felt like he didn't really care. And i was getting sick. I didn't think this would happen again, that someone would choose their own wants over my health.
I love my pets, but if the tables we're turned and he was getting sick, the animal would be given away to a great home. That's just how i am.


On top of this...I need more time with my friends. I'm going crazy. All these guys are my friends too, but i swear I'm turning into a guy and it's not me. Yeah, her tights are so tight on her ass. Great. I'm not into that. I need some estrogen. And it's not high school anymore where we can all make time to hang out. It's always me and 5 guys. I don't have any couple friends ( that wanna go out with kevin and i all the time) besides maybe steph and new matt...or just come over and hang out.


I need some mental lovin'.
I wanna feel at home again. Just naturally. Without the upsetting fights and the head strong.
That love that feels so good. You don't even need drugs. Ever.
All you need is that warmth.

You'd think love would get better and better over time. It just gets harder. And sometimes you've got to find ways to happily continue with things.

Maybe it's me unconsciously building a blockade around myself.
I've done this before, am i letting history repeat itself?
I need to find my cool again before i ruin things once more.








I had a weird dream. I was in your house and it was empty. I had my computer and i was sending you a message.

It was kind of cloudy outside but i was so content on the inside.

I Just received my associates degree through the mail.
I'm really happy! I finally have a base to my schooling.

Yesterday was pretty cool. Jamie and i went to Rachel's apartment. We got some thai food. It wasn't the best thai food i've had but it was good. (thai gore is the best)
Rachel's apartment is cute and suitable for her and Alex. Comfy.
Umm oh so Ach, Jamie and I walked to fells point and started drinking at the Green turtle. Mike Daily works there and gave us drinks for cheap. Made us some great shots. We got drunk.

This guy came up to me and started talking and i was so so tempted to say to him "I'm sorry, you're just a tool". He definitely was a Douche. So then we went across the street to Moby's. It was predominately a black bar and Jamie's been looking for a BBD she's been into that lately. And she would be dancing facing us but rubbing her butt up on random guys and until they started dancing with her. haha.
There was a cover charge at Moby's but somehow Jamie worked our way out of paying. Don't ask me how she did it i haven't any idea.



I've had some stuff on my mind lately. I don't feel like i can really talk to anyone about it. It kind of sucks, but i guess there's nothing to be done. People have been telling me things and i just can't get it off my mind. I'm having a hard time putting it to rest ..

Current Mood: confused

Let's see.. update update.
Ok.


Yeah, I'm trying to de-stress myself. So far, two days clean.
I've been taking Kevin for granted, but luckily I've realized i was doing so.

My mom's boyfriend told her he was moving out. The weird thing is..he's been gone mentally for so long. Rachel's ex didn't appreciate her..left her stranded.
Someone else in my family puts up with abuse.


Kevin is none of this.., and i am so grateful.

I don't know what happened to me on Monday..I guess i felt like i was losing touch of me. I really want to get back into writing semi-poetic entries via non-internet journals. I want to start gardening especially if we get this townhouse. I would also like to pick up on my drawing. Pretty much, my analysis of my thoughts/actions on Monday was the result of me feeling like I've regressed and lost some of the idea's i've obtained over the past few years. I forgot what it felt like to be my own rock. I think i need to do more of the things that make me feel like me.


Umm what else. Oh Kristen Duke is coming to town for thur and fri. Trevor will be in town for a week.
Next monday we will be viewing a house in Hampden. Hopefully it will be everything that we've ever wanted.
Kev asked me if i wanted to eat at Gertrudes on Sunday and said he invited trevor too. lol weird bizarre triangle.
my ex my current boyfriend, who are best friends, and me. out to dinner. It makes me laugh a little.
Kevin is so excited that Trevor's coming home. I haven't seen him this excited in forever. He's says to me "I'm going to hang out with him everyday!!"

I might be getting a job at the airport..as a bartender. My cousin said she made 300$ on Sunday. She also said she made 1000$ in a week before and she makes the schedule..
My plan is (if i get the job) to gradually move from bonefish to duclaw in the airport.


Oh for all of you who like Mac makeup. Get it on Ebay. Just make sure the seller has a 100% feedback, that the make up is listed unopened. I bought a set of 12 for 20 bucks. brand new, fresh. Definitely going to do that again. ;)

I got some strange news last tuesday.

It's one of those things you've wanted to hear for so long...you wait so so long until it wears off and you stop thinking about.
Finally, you hear it.., and it's too late.

You wanted it for so long. Too late.

You're not willing to change your life around now.., but you can't stop wondering what if?


It's kind of twisting my thoughts lately.

You should have seen me three years ago, though.
Not who i am today.
I am so much myself now.
And then, three years go, i was never given the chance to figure out who i was...i was just left stranded.

so into each other..and i still had so much to learn. Mostly about myself...but also about others and my surroundings

it's just too late and it's unfortunate..
I guess all there is to do is to store it away in a box in the cracks.

Alright.
So i have this Sociology teacher. She is by far the worst teacher I've had at AACC. She reemed out the entire class on Tuesday because ONE person was talking. It was inappropriate on her part. My Psychology teacher overheard her and came to me this morning asking me about what happened. I told him about it and how poor her teaching skills are. He agreed with me that what she did was unprofessional and he encouraged me to see the head of the department. So i am. Today.
Sociology is supposed to be a wonderful learning experience and i find myself dreading going to class.
I know the head too. He's a nice guy.
Maybe Italia will come with me.


Two tests over!
One more next week. I've been doing pretty well with school..i'm looking forward to break though.
I just need one more course to complete my general studies and i can go on to start the massage program! YAY!

and once i'm finished with that...i can work at a spa and then go for my degree in physical therapy. I am so excited for my future.
I can't wait until i don't have to work for restaurants anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Almost 21. So close.
Changed it up alittle. We're going to Bay Cafe first. Because mom knows the owner and he will treat us very good! getting apps and drinks there. And it's really nice and laid back and it's on the water!

then we're going to red maple to dance! and drink lightly since it's a little pricey. Sounds good?

I miss my girls. I'm off next tuesday what are you doing? What are you doing friday night?

I can't pay attention to a class with a computer in front of me especially considering that my computer is all fucked up right now due to some sort of virus.

My sociology teacher is a total bitch and it really bums me out because sociology is such an interesting class. She yelled at my class like we we're still in high school (for not reading the text) which i did. she was absent for class the class before our test. Gave us no review..and the test was on 5 chapters. She's lazy and we get blamed for poor test scores.

Work sucked yesterday. because they gave one of my tables to an opener and i was there! This is because openers get 3 tables before anyone else gets sat. So they put it in my section (while his section is completely empty) and the people sat there for 2 1/2 hours. Turns out we get busy and i have a two table section. Ridiculous.

Gas and electric has gone up $150? I hate BGE. I hate the government who robs people of their earned money and puts them in a broke bind. They make it so hard.


Steven is out of jail now after trying to burn down jumpers hole movie theater. I'm looking forward to seeing him and talking to him about it.

However, i really don't feel like going to work today especially after yesterday.




I miss some of my friends. I got to see Steph K the other day. She met me up at bennigans and then we went to erics and smoked some hookah. School and work compromises my spare time. And the economy doesn't help..it just encourages me to throw my time into a business that isn't my own.

Luckily, i got sun-tues off and i'm going to relax..and exercise. Sounds perfect.
seeya.

My Valentines day was super special.

I couldn't have asked for a better day.

I went over Kev's and he had a bouquet of roses for me. I brought two bottles of wine, Coppola and clous du bois. He made me cream of crab and asparagus soup. He made me shrimp linguine with crabmeat. And lastly, the best part, a chocolate on chocolate cake with strawberries! mmm

He is so good to me. It was the best Valentines day i could have asked for. Better than going out to an expensive dinner.

This weekend was relaxing too. Monday we went out to dinner with his family. And had some pasta in severna park.
We went to game stop and i bought sims castaway for PSP (and it's super fun) i also bought Bully for Ps2. Kev got fallout 3 which is a role playing game about radiation. It looked really cool.

I'm excited for disney!!!!! May 20th!!!! Carly is going to be my roller coaster partner.

This friday is going to be fun..Britt H, Tim, Steven, Justin lucas, Tally and i are going to the hookah bar..and it's everyone's, besides me and justin, first time. They're going to love it..
Also my plans for going the past three weeks have been destroyed and im happy that it's finally going to happen!




I'll end this by saying everything is perfect in my life right now. I've got the best boyfriend in the world and i wouldn't change anything.

It's been almost a month since I've updated..

This year has gotten off to a good start.


First off, i'm almost definitely going to Disney in may courtesy of kev's mom and step dad. I haven't been in years and i just bought a new bikini online and i can't wait to wear it. Really...i'm just as excited as a little kid would be.

Good news number 2. Kev and i are getting a home together. Buying. Ours. Our home. His step dad is going to help up with the down payment and getting a loan. We'll have to pay him back over time which is perfect.
Pretty much , we're set.


I know some people are skeptical about this, but they haven't a clue what our relationship is like. We get a long so well and we understand each other. As long as we can maintain happiness in our relationship, i intend to stay with him and thats that.
I'm not that girl that sits there and wonders if the grass is a better shade of green elsewhere. I don't care about that. That's the biggest problem for some people in relationships; they don't know how to appreciate something while it's still there. And then it's gone. Forever...and there's no turning back..
Have you ever sat there and thought about different times in your life..and realized you didn't live in and acknowledge certain moments until after they we're long gone?

When Trevor broke up with me..for months i thought long and hard about what went wrong. And how i was so focused on a future with him, that i didn't think of the moment we we're living in. The now is so important. We get so caught up in things that we forget to feel the bliss of the now.

I feel like i've actually been learning from my experiences and since I've opened my mind and heart, I've been able to grow as a person.
I wasn't ready to be with any one before, and i know that now.
I care and respect myself much more than i used to and loving myself has allowed me to be a good girlfriend.

I'm so ready for this. I'm ready to start my life with him. This is big and i'm ready for it.



On a lighter note,
schools good. I'm organized this time...i just need to finish this semester and then take a summer class. After that i will be all set to start the therapeutic massage program...and i'll be well on my way to work at a spa. Then, eventually open up my own.


What are we doing this fri?

oh and by the way,
IM OFF SUNDAY WHICH MEANS I GET TO WATCH THE SUPERBOWL AND HATE HATE HATE ON THE STEELERS. and cook some tasty stuff.

:)

My Christmas was SUHWEEEET.

To be honest, this may have been the best christmas ever. Everyone was in a good mood, there were no fights, my boyfriend and i got to see both his and my family (both our parents are separated) and not only did we see our families, but i got to spend the whole day with him without having to branch off in different directions.

Kevin loved his romo jersey! it made me really happy. Now he's got an authentic jersey for each of his favorite teams.

My mom got me a GPS and $100 worth for VS (which ive already spent), Dad and Kev got me some clothes i wanted, Kev's mom got me a camera!! A nikon!! I couldn't believe it. That was incredibly generous and kind of her. Now i can take pictures during New years and they will be all my own.

Kev and i have been doing really well (with the exception of Saturday when he got super drunk at his dads and he was having a meltdown) We went to his dads house and drank some. Met his grandparents for the first time as well as his uncle and his new wife. Kev's dad and step mom we're talking me up to his family and telling them how wonderful i was and it made me feel really good. I didn't have much besides a #9, choc martini, and a patron shot. Kev was too drunk to drive so we had to leave his car there and i drove us to his place. On the way home i get pulled over by a cop at 2am (not bc i'm driving bad, i was drinking over a 4 hr time span) so, he pulls us over.. and kev's all drunk and he says "We're FUCKED!" I kept my cool though because i figured he was pulling us over because of my license plate missing a bolt (which he was). I told kev just to be quiet (and he did). The cop was nice and i was wearing my glasses so i looked a little sexy/geeky and harmless. Kev apologized for his behavior the next morning and we were fine. It's kind of funny now, though.

We went to glory days and watched the Ravens game and they did GREAT. I was so excited!! Flacco is an amazing quarterback. We drank a little and just had a good time. Mel biggie, tony and his friend, marc jim, jims new thang, and jon all came.

Tomorrow is new years eve. I've got a sexy little outfit to wear.AND kev got me a garter belt for xmas. ;) We're going to have so much fun. Unfortunately this party is a direct invite party only because halloween was a mess and had too many people there. I'd rather just see my better friends any way. No offense guys.

Anyway, have a happy new year...seeya in 09

P.S. THIS IS A LONNGGG ENTRY, dayum.

Kevin called me his wife yesterday. It was really cute.
Maybe in two years from now, i said.
:)

We made Chicken and shrimp quesadillas last night. With jalapenos, sauteed onions, roasted peppers, pineapple, and jack cheese.
I made a sourcream/lime zest/garlic dip as well as a mango/limejuice/cilantro dip.
I was really proud about this one and we had plenty left over for another day.
I'm really getting good at cooking. I've got a good bundle of spices now so i don't have to buy as much at the store anymore.


I'm in a great mood today. I've been in a great mood all weekend actually.
This weekend was extremely fun and there wasn't any drama or problems at all.
I'm almost done my Xmas shopping. Yay.

Also. I just found out that I have Thursday, Sun and Mon off this week...And I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..
excited.
If you want to hang out... Let me know because my last final is Thursday morning and after that i haven't a single obligation!!!!!


I can't wait until out girls date...xmas and new years.
This month has really turned out to be pretty cool this year.